In This Picture

In this one you laugh. I recall the day. I hated wearing all white. There was that sweater vest with the itchy wool; I felt constrained by the collared shirt underneath. You told each grandchild their role, calling out my name to sit still. I could never sit still. We sat on a blanket in your giant yard. The scent of freshly cut nature lingered: that sour smell of crabgrass, the dead leaves, Woodbury.

You laughed in this one because of the cooky cameraman who tried to grab our young attention. He wore a bandanna on his head and wore ripped, light washed jeans and a dirty white t-shirt. The dark circles around his eyes, gaunt face, and spindly structure revealed his sickness. You laughed at the absurdity of dangling grandchildren and their respective parents, being the strong matriarch everyone looked to for guidance. You exemplified beauty and grace which mixed so well with a calm strength and gentle control. That was why you could laugh. You knew everything was okay and that we would have a feast that night sitting around your table next to the hearth. 

You laughed in this one because Uncle Kevin jumped around behind the cameraman, doing his best impression of a ballerina. You saw the man your son had become, the son who may have been hard to handle long ago but who simultaneously brought so much joy and laughter to your life. You laughed as you looked at my mother, recognizing the deep imprint of yourself upon her life. The irony of raising oneself was not lost upon you. You saw her idolization of you and wondered why she viewed you so loftily. You were, after all, humbled that your daughter wished to emulate you, regardless of all the faults you saw within yourself. 

And I think you laughed in this one because you knew. You knew of your own mortality. You saw the future ahead. You knew that at some point you would pass but that this picture would remain; that you would remain. You knew we would need to see your laughter, your joy, in our  later suffering. What better way to be remembered than by your laughter? You laughed for life, for love, for family. That's why in this one you laugh.